How I Ended Up This Way's Blog

{July 3, 2010}   The Beginning….

I have been trying to decide how to begin this blog. Do I begin with the cold hard truth of waking up one day facing the end of my 20 year marriage? Do I begin with how I began to heal since that day three and half years ago? Well, as it turns out, today as I opened my browser and saw the news posted on a popular website, it suddenly became clear.

It seems that a lady, nine years my junior, was profiled for her choice to go one year “Voluntary” without sex. It struck me as a little funny since I had made that same decision two years and nine months ago. “Why?” you may ask. I mean, what person in their right mind would go a year without ANY form of sex. Zilch. Nothing. Well, I will tell you.

As I said, I was married for twenty years. My husband and I got married about a year out of high school. I was never into serious relationships during my high school years….there was always something more important, like basketball. I had some good guy friends and that fulfilled any need for attention I felt I needed at the time. Which was all innocent… let me be VERY CLEAR on that.

However, once I got together with my husband and began this serious relationship, I fell hard and quickly. We were married at the tender age of nineteen. We began our family four years later when our first of three children arrived. A girl. Perfect in everyway (but aren’t they all???).

I loved my husband more than myself. He loved me more than he loved himself, I truly believe that. So, we continued in our marital bliss. Three and a half years later, our second daughter was born followed fifteen months later by our only son. Life was good. I was able to stay at home after my second child was born and began to work from home after my son was born.

To me, life couldn’t have been better. Little did I know, ten years later, I would be left a single mother, bitter and never willing to risk the chance at another life with someone else.

Once my husband left, I found the need to seek attention elsewhere…. anywhere. I felt unloved, unattractive and just…..old. I just needed to feel wanted again. It never went farther than flirting, because honestly, all I wanted was my old life back and to be with my husband again.  HE was the one I wanted. No one else could fill that void and I didn’t want anyone else to feel that void. So, to get to the point, after the last time with my husband, I decided to forgo sex of any kind for one year, and concentrate on ME…the inside ME.

There was a reason I felt the need to get attention from men. It wasn’t because I wanted John Doe or anyone else. I just wanted the attention and to feel important to someone. I didn’t realize that the person I needed to feel important to was myself.

So, as I spent this year (without even allowing myself to think about sex) rediscovering who I was, I slowly began to remember the person I was. And the further I dug into my soul, the more I did not like the person I had become. My value was not based on what men saw when they looked at me. Nor was it based on how I felt “loved” when someone found me attractive. I was beautiful on the inside and I didn’t need sex to prove that. I didn’t need men telling me I was pretty to know I was …. at least where it mattered most. By taking all aspects of sex out of the equation, I was able to see what people saw when they looked at me instead of what I wanted to feel when they looked at me. I was able to rediscover my value as a person. And that’s when things started looking up for me, emotionally. I felt my worth. I knew I was worthy of a man with a kind and devoted heart and just because my husband left (who I have to say, is not a bad person) it did not mean I was destined to be with whoever showed a little bit of interest in me. My true happiness was worth waiting for.

So, that is how MY one year vow of no sex turned into two years nine months and counting…..

I, for one, am a better person for having made this decision.

Until next time……peace.



Amy Crowder says:

Angie, WOW! It takes a lot to put all this out there for people to read. I like it!!! Especially how you were talking about loving some one so much, you loose yourself and forget what you or “I” like, like to do or like to be. I am totally relating to you.

I want you to know that I have been going thru a lot in the past year or more and have been distant with everyone. So don’t take it personal that I haven’t been able to catch up with you. I would like to catch up with when I get things sorted out (which they are slowly). I ALWAYS enjoyed our time together. I love ya girl. I am gonna keep reading and check in every so often. I am on Facebook almost everyday. I hardly check my email anymore but I did and saw your note about the blog. LOVE IT.

love, Amy

Kashif says:

a.j such a great blog, much apprieciate, full of feelings wow, tremendous desire, didn’t sex since two years its really too hard to control for a married lady, bt don’t lose hope.

naaa, not hard when you are divorcing! Mind over matter…..

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