How I Ended Up This Way's Blog











{November 9, 2010}   A Time For Honesty

Hi Guys, welcome.

Ok, in the spirit of remaining true to the reason I began this blog, I must be honest. Honest with myself and honest with all of my readers. Therefore, as much as it pains me to admit this to you, and mostly to myself, I must do this in order to get past it.

Maybe it’s the time of year, but the past couple of months have been very difficult for me.  Even writing this blog brings pain into my heart and all I want to do is close the browser and skip today’s blog. As a matter of fact, it’s almost 3 am and I am doing everything possible not to have to face these feelings. Denial has always been my safety net. I am editing pictures, that do not need editing, as I am writing this. Just so I do not have to write this blog. It’s now 3:10am. Damn this is hard.

I owe you honesty, I owe myself honesty. So, here goes. January 14, 2011 will mark the 4th year anniversary that my husband walked out the door. Hold for a second, I see a photo that I need to fix.

Most of the time, I am fine and deal with being a single mom. (5 minutes later) Sorry, I had to look at some more pictures. But I’m back. Guys, you know my writing. You know I “feel” things deeply and usually can find something, anything in my blogs that I can find humor in. I hope to be able to dig deep and pull that up for you guys.  

So I’m going on 4 years apart from Guy. Going on 4 years of being told I am no longer loved by my husband of 20 years. Another Christmas without my children waking up on Christmas Day with their mom and dad dreading getting out of bed at 6am because, you know on Christmas Day, kids have NO problem getting out of bed that early!

Four years. Why do I still feel the loneliness and physical pain in my heart? I mean when he comes over and he is the “good natured” man I married, to see the kids or to help dad with something, those familiar feelings kick in. When he comes over and is a jerk, of course, I don’t miss him so much. Not at all really.

But just as soon as I see the hateful person and think “Jeez, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore”. Then the next day, it’s as if we fall back into the way it used to be. It could be something as simple as walking out to the care together as we did last night. I just felt so normal. Almost like the past 4 years didn’t happen.

Will it every stop? Seriously, will it ever stop? Because, I’m tired of this ride and I want to get off now.

It was very hard to write this blog and put complete part of myself out here. It’s now 4:40am. That’s how long it took me to write down what I already knew I had to say.

I hope this time next year, I will not be writing this letter again.

 So, I have decided that until things change, I am going back to the man I have loved since I was 11years old. He has never hurt me and he never will.  

Dale Murphy

Until next time……Peace

A.J.

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AJ…Hello!

The pain of sudden loneliness is a difficult one to overcome. Believe me, I know.

But as a man, I also know this: Sometimes we are effin’ cold hearted a-holes. We will walk BACK in the door; only part of the way. We may not even be aware that we have one foot across the threshold, ready to bolt when things get too familiar, cozy, and close. But, it’s they way some of us are.

We subconsciously play on the weaknesses of, not only women, but others as well. It is a sad cycle that I personally battle and check myself on. There are more men like me who try to stem the ingrained workings of our genetics, but there will always be those who don’t.

The important thing to know is that you have looked deep in your heart and realized that you need to love your children first and foremost. But know that they will never be truly happy as long as some part of you is hurting….



I am glad that your comment was the first one I read this morning. Thank you for being able to admit it all this. It really does bring me comfort in a very odd way…..and oh, how true it rings!

You are a much better man than most. Most would just deny any and all of it. I’m glad you have the responsibility to see it for what it is and not just ignore the whole issue as most would. And THEN try everyday to do something about it!

I knew you were special but know I also know you are a real man.

AJ



Amy says:

This takes a lot of courage to admit. I don’t know you personally but I feel like I am now becoming part of your twitter family. You seem so amazing and it’s always hard to see a good person be in so much pain. You have amazing kids I am sure. Must be hard to see his eyes in theirs. I am looking forward to hearing more of your story. I am going thru something painful as well so it’s nice to know we all have each other to lean on. I read your celibacy post. Are you open to dating yet or still not ready? Ever try the online thing? Hope you are getting some sleep. And dreaming of Leland!! xoxo Amy



Hey there….thanks for your kind words. And as I said, you ARE a part of my twitter family!!! Sometimes, it is just so much easier to write our feelings instead of actually speaking them. It is for me anyway. It’s almost like as I am writing, I am actually processing….so once I get it out, a huge burden lifts and I can see more clearly. It’s amazing the difference.

I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I know that you are dealing with it, and that is the most important thing. Once you learn how to deal with it, you’ll know where to go with it. And it will also be easier when you face the emotional side of things you’ll have a place to put it,as my therapist says, on the shelf in your mind. It’s so funny, because she was like “I’m amazed how you can do that without learning the tools you need” I said, “It’s almost denial in a way” If I don’t let it, it won’t hurt me. But every so often, I’ll have a day like yesterday. Blog it out, and feel much better!

The vow was the very best thing I could have done for myself. Honestly, put in the same place, I’d do it again. I honestly, learned more in that one year than I have learn my entire life about myself. I’d highly suggest it.

As far as the dating….I’m not ready to jump into that anytime soon. I have so much on my plate and don’t really have time to give a relationship what it needs. I have the kids, blog, book, articles trying to get published and want to write some short stories. On my website I wanna do an Ebook, kinda thing, where I write like 2 chapters a week….

So, just not ready.
AJ



Tammy says:

Some say it gets easier with time but I don’t believe it. I think when you love someone and are married that long you really never get over it you just learn how to deal with it. You are a strong smart woman. Hang in there!



Thanks Tammy…I feel that way as well….I think there is always gonna be a part of me that will go to those places and have that little part of love, no matter what I do. And you knew us back when we were an us. It so hard to have small glimpses of that man. But truth is, he isn’t that man anymore. And that, I will have to accept. I should have just stayed in Georgia….I would have if I knew he was gonna be a ….. sorry, if he was gonna leave…..

Love ya girl
AJ



With time everything gets easier. But I see that you’re still grieving. You’re grieving for the missed good times, for the lack in your children’s lives.
Do you honesty love him .. still? Can you love someone that doesn’t love you? No you can’t. Remember who gave up first. Not you, but him! Remember your life was good enough for you. Not him. And despite everything, he gave you the best gift. Your children.
You are human and your gonna have your emotions toward him. Yet you need to deal with them. You need to stop being in denial. Accept and get angry. Cause after you go through all that feeling BS, you will be able to move completely forward and not give a rat’s ass about him.



the funny thing is, I’m not in love with him. I don’t look at what used to be. I don’t think much at all about him. I’ve delt with the anger, saddness, bitterness, grief, what if’s, what it should be, and what it could have been. I don’t even care enough to try to figure him out anymore. When he comes over bound and determined to fight, I leave the room. Just not worth it.

It’s only when, on the very few occations when I see the man I loved, the man I married. We laugh and joke all the kids are laughing like a family should. Then he leaves, it’s time for them to get showers and bed, and it’s all quite. THAT’s when it makes me miss the person he USED to be.

Love ya!

AJ



Jezika says:

Damn girl I’m sorry you still feel the pain. Its hard for sure. What always helped me during break ups was to write down all the things that made me hate my ex and whenever I started to miss him I would pull out that paper. It was my little reminder of why we weren’t together. Keep up the strength and lean on your friends when you feel weak.



it’s only when I spend time with the man I used to know. He shows up every once in awhile….AND that is what I miss, the ease, the joking, that laughter with the kids. normally, I’m doing something else while he visits the kids or I don’t see THAT person.

I always write things down. Whether I print them, blog them or not. It just always helps 🙂

Love ya girl,
AJ



Jessica says:

Aww I’m sorry:( I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. The day that you will get over it is the day that you find a new man that treats you right and makes you happier than you “husband” ever has. And it can happen, you just need to live life and be social (not just with people on the Internet) one day you will be able to look back and realize that everything happens for a reason. You just have to let go.



I know….it’s just the fun times I miss….it’s like it visits once in a while then it leaves and alls quiet again. But it’s all good. I love my life. I am content and until “that” man comes, I’m good. 🙂

I love you!
AJ



Rachel says:

Hi AJ,

Wow…I read your blog & it was reading about my own life…or how I feel! We weren’t married quite as long, 8 years & together for 13, but I know exactly how you feel. My husband left 3 years ago this January, & though I feel like I am over him, every now & then, I still feel sad for what was lost. When we are getting on & chatting about the kids, it all feels so natural & familiar. I often wonder if it will always feel that way?

Anyway I just wanted to tell you that I enjoy reading your blog…& that you are not alone, lol! Hopefully we will both meet our prince one day 🙂

Rachel



Isn’t it amazing how someone’s life will run paralell to someone elses? Yet, at some point we both felt like we were the only woman that had ever felt this kind of pain, right? I mean, other people have been hurt, but surely not as badly as we have. Right? Yea, right! LOL. Sometimes, it is so hard to face that our pain is a pain that is not new, not unique to ourselves and all personalities are affected by it at some point in their life. Once we are open to that, we have to realize people do make it out of this. It’s just a waiting game. Like a very painful game! One, right now, I just don’t want to play again! LOl….

I am sure I will again one day….but not yet.

Thanks for sharing! Keep reading!!

AJ



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