How I Ended Up This Way's Blog











{July 12, 2014}   A Letter of Love

Hi everyone! Welcome. To say I was delivered a shock a few weeks ago would be acutely accurate. See, I had been dating someone since late last year. We called it quits towards the end of January/beginning of February. In the whole scheme of things, we really hadn’t dated very long. However, *Mike and I have known each other somewhere around twenty five years or so. Although that period was broken into chunks of time.
I knew going into the relationship, it could not lead into anything serious. Mike made it clear he would not make a commitment . . . ever. I was ok with this. At that point, I wasn’t even certain if I wanted anything more than a friend to hang out with. Even though Mike and I only dated a short time, it was intense. It was only a short time into the relationship that Mike told me he wanted to be exclusive. Yet still holding to the fact that in the end, this would be all we could have. It would not lead to boyfriend/girlfriend status. It would not lead to meeting his children. In fact, I got the feeling they would never know about me. It would absolutely never end in marriage.
For some reason, this relationship was out of the norm for me. Typically, I didn’t care about anyone I had dated (other than the casual concern). I never looked into the future and wonder what would be. To be frank, I would tire of them rather quickly. It didn’t matter to me if they would get mad because I didn’t carve out a place for them in my world. My kids never even met the guys I hung out with. There was no reason for them too, in my mind. Usually by the second date, I knew whether or not there was anything there to build on. Time and time again, there wasn’t.
I was happy to hear Mike say he only wanted it to be “us”. I was falling and falling fast. This was a huge problem for me. Mike was no closer to being a couple in every sense of the word than he was when we our first date. I felt some of the choices he was making at the time along with his “no love” stance it was clear where his mind and heart would always remain. And that wouldn’t be with me.
So, ultimately, I went into self-preservation mode as is my way. I began, almost without control, pushing him away by my actions. I pushed and I pushed hard. It worked. It worked too well. Mike walked away thinking, I’m certain, that he dodged a bullet. He dodged a ride on the crazy train.
I wouldn’t talk about him with anyone. Not even my father, with whom I share a special bond with. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. He was always able to “fix” things for me. That is, until my divorce several years ago. I had to fight my way back from a very dark place. I had to do this on my own. No one could fight the battle with me, no one could ease the pain and at times, I thought I would never be whole again. I still feel that way at times. However, I now know having a husband or someone who loves you completely isn’t what makes you whole.
Yes, it hurt not being able to talk to Mike and not being able to see his face. But I knew I would get through it with a little bit of time. We no longer spoke, texted, nor emailed. He even deleted me from his Facebook. I’ve said it before, when I push someone away in an attempt to save myself, it do it right.
As the months went gone by, I no longer had to fight the feeling to check his Facebook just to get a glimpse of him. I no longer think of him every day. I don’t even get that quiet sadness I used to when I thought of what could have been. I don’t want to say I never think of him, but it’s not often and only for a fleeting second. Until a few weeks ago.
Out of the blue, I see where he is now my friend again on Facebook. I realize Facebook is simply Facebook. It’s not magic, it doesn’t provide true friendships as a norm. Although, I have met some very close friends as well as my old high school friends. Either way, he cyber-connected with me. My heart skipped a few beats at the sight of him. I was not expecting to see his face that morning. I thanked him. We had a little idle chit chat and with that, closed the circle that was our relationship.
Mike will always hold a special place in my heart. He taught me it was ok to let myself feel those feelings I had be blocking out for so long. It was ok to really feel in the moment and although we have different desires and wants in the long term, it’s ok to take that chance. If it doesn’t work . . . will heal. But one day, I’ll get it right. I look forward to the day I know I’ve nailed this love thing. I know God will lead me down the right path. I know at the end of that path, or maybe somewhere along the way, he (whoever he is) is waiting for me as well.

Until next time . . . PEACE

AJ

*name changed

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Aww dearie! You bared your soul on this one. Thanks so much for sharing with us! I feel I am the same way with, well, actually with everyone. I hope to talk to you again soon!

xoxo
~Jacqi



Thanks Jacqi. It’s funny because I can write just about anything … except lyrics and poems.. (I am calling this one a poem) this one just flowed like nothing I have ever written. God was speaking to me on that day!

I’m glad you are writing again! I post periodically on here but am doing a few guest blogs for others while I write my novel. twitter me a DM and I’ll give you my email so we can keep in touch … there’s a few other postings I’d like to direct you too but can’t do it on here.
xo



Oops.. no, this is not the one I’m calling a poem.. there’s another one… but I’ll give the link to you when I get your DM..and I’ll explain why then



bearclan57 says:

Wow so so close to something I just went though and it does get easyer but never goes away I was lucky to remain friends



Yea.. I’ve been thru it before.. If you read the beginning of my blogs you’ll see a bigger picture of me and who I am. This blog was born from the end of my marriage. But Mike and I are friendly. We haven’t made it quite back to “friends” yet…but we will.



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