How I Ended Up This Way's Blog











{October 14, 2014}   The Next Chapter

Hi everyone! Thank you for visiting my blog. My name is AJ. I originally began writing this blog in an attempt to work through some personal issues deriving from my divorce some five years prior. Not only did this blog provide a safe place for me to put words to the feelings I was dealing with, I believe this blog sometimes served as a life boat for me. When I felt helpless, hurt, angry, alone, confused and exhausted, I would turn to my blog and just write letting it all out. I immediately felt better emotionally, but I also felt mentally centered, if that makes sense.

It was also my hope, I would be able to reach out to those who may be feeling some of the same feelings I was dealing with. If I could help just one person know she/he was not alone . . . as I often felt, I knew it would be worth opening myself up this way. By the way, opening up, being so exposed, is not easy for me.

I wanted to find when and where I lost the woman I once was. The woman I loved. The one I had self confidence in. The woman I was before the end of my husband of 20 years walked out on me and our three kids deciding he “no longer wanted to be married”. I wanted to find the woman I knew was still somewhere deep inside of the woman I had become. I’m not proud of that woman. She was bitter, in so much pain, each day was a struggle, and she had given up on love completely. Hence the name of this blog. How I Ended Up This Way. It didn’t happen overnight and wouldn’t be fixed overnight. However, I knew it was within me to dig deep and rediscover the woman who believed in love and saw the world as a place to enjoy and experience life instead of something I would have to endure day after day.

As it turned out, from the very first blog post… I received so many stories from my readers saying “I’m in tears… this could have been written about me” or “I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I truly felt alone in the world”. Hearing these words, my pain fell to the wayside. I had a new mission. It was to do whatever I could, using my experiences, to reach out to help these lovely people not feel so alone.

Once my mission became clear, I was like falling back into my old self. By telling my story and some wacky stories along the way, I found the woman I had been searching for all along. To my readers and those who shared your stories via comments … I am so grateful to you.

As I make my way through the next chapter of my life, I hope you will continue to read my blogs and take this journey with me wherever it may lead me. We’ll share some laughs, maybe a few tears, but definitely encouragement that you are not alone in this!

Be sure to follow my facebook facebook.com/writerajcarroll (and like my Author page for updates on my novel Rightfully Mine)

And twitter: http://www.Twitter.com/WriterAJCarroll

Until next time…
AJ



{November 7, 2013}   A Revisit to “Why”

Hey guys. I first wrote this blog in December 2011. With my recent car accident, my mother’s ongoing health issues and a few other personal issues, I needed the comfort that comes when I post this blog. If you saw it the first go around, I hope you enjoy the revisit. If you missed out on the original post; I hope you enjoy 🙂

* The Colour of Heaven By Aartist

It’s almost 5:30am. I have not been to sleep. I have tried but this blog and the words said here, would not leave my heart and mind. So, I hope it finds the person who needs to read these words as much as I needed to write them.

I asked God, “why do some judge me?”  He said “because you once judged another.’

I asked God, “why is it so difficult for me to buy my children the things they want?” God replied “do the children have what they need?”

I then asked God, “why have I suffered so?” He simply replied “It is not yet time for you to know.”

I ask God, “where were you when my brother died?”  God said, “I was right beside you. You were just not ready to see me”.

I dropped to the floor, crying from shame of things I had done throughout my life. With my head held down, I asked God, “how can you even look at me or bear to hear my name after all I’ve done wrong? How can you still love me?”

God said, “You have done many things in your life, some brought me joy, some brought me pain. A long time ago, at the beginning of time, I wrote your name down by mine. I gave you a gift and the desire to help others. In order for you to help others, your heart had to know the pain of others. I did not like seeing you in pain. You have asked for forgiveness, and I have given it. You can not buy forgiveness, it’s not to be bartered nor compromised.”

Reaching His hand out to me, He said, “Now, stand, my child, for your sins have already been paid.

Until next time……Peace

A.J.

* PHOTO CURTESY OF AARTIST ; http://aartist.deviantart.com/art/The-Colour-of-Heaven-138170562



{November 1, 2013}   I’ve Always Wanted To Say . . .

November 1, 2013

I’ve Always Wanted To Say . . .

Hi everyone, welcome to my world.

Several months back a friend of mine made a comment via a twitter conversation. It went something like this :

Her : “. . . remind me to watch Family Jewels next week, it looks good.”

Me : “Yea, I hope they don’t split up.”

Her : “Well, you cant have your cake and eat it too. Dude, I’ve always wanted to say that! And the one about the cow and the milk.”

For some reason, on that day, it was the funniest thing I had heard in a long time. I knew I had to do this blog. It’s not a “bucket list” it’s more of a “Cliché list”. So, here is my list of some cliques I’ve always wanted to say; at just the right time.

5) It was just gonna lay there . . .

“What? I hit the deer with my truck and got it off the road purdy (yes, purdy) soon after.I didn’t mean to hit it and it was just gonna lay there anyways. DINNER!”

4) A guilty dog . . .

“You know he’s full of shit; a guilty dog barks the loudest!”

3) He’s nuttier . . .

“He’s nuttier than a squirrel’s turd.” (yea, not the best one)

2) Lock . . .

“Lock and Load” (this is of course when carrying an semi automatic rifle.Somehow though, when I say it, I actually hear the voice of David Keith when he said it in U571)

1) Ain’t takin my . . .

“Dumbass (I toned that down for the innocent of hearts) you aint taking my mutha’ fuk’n ass to jail! (only. . . you know, to a cop).

Now, you know this is all said if fun. Personally, I wouldn’t eat a deer; perfectly good road kill or not. And I simply can’t even say the words “nuttier” and “turd” in the same sentence (I’m just too immature not to laugh my ass off at that. Last but not least, when I see a cop, I can only seem to say “yes sir/maam, no sir/maam”.

For years, well his whole life really, my grandfather would answer the telephone the same exact way. Every single time. As a child, it was irritating. As an adult, it was funny. Now, it’s just simply missed. I miss hearing him answer his phone: “It’s your nickel.” (I don’t think he got the whole inflation thing!)

Until next time . . . PEACE

AJ



{January 8, 2013}   Ode To Aunt Sue

Hey everyone . . . welcome.

It’s been a rough beginning of the year for me. We buried a dear soul Saturday; my Aunt Sue.  It’s been FREAKIN tough … no, it’s PLUMB HARD writing this blog.

See, anytime I was stuck on a blog, I’d call my aunt Sue. For some very ODD reason (uh, Teddy… imagine THAT!) my auntie could talk me out of any crisis . . . she had that soothing voice.  Whether it was my brother’s death (Tim), my cousin’s death (her son, Alva), another cousin’s (Alan) death or a minor crisis like writer’s block, Sue had the magic touch for me.

Yet, each time I sat down to write this blog about her, I’d end up bawling. Then I’d get frustrated, then I’d reach for the phone to call my auntie so she could use her “magic voice” and calm me, so I could focus . . . Then, I would remember. She’s not here anymore.

My aunt went home to the Lord on December 27, 2012. She lost her battle with liver cancer. Through tears, I am somehow writing this.

I can still remember her and her old blue Chevy. It was a 1980, I think.  I was around eleven or so when we all hopped in the back to go to the creek. It was me, my brothers and Sue’s two sons — James and Alva.  Sue was driving on a back road in hillbilly Arkansas, (I can say that because I LIVED there!) and she took a curve too fast just as her tire inched off the road onto the loose gravel. My little cousin, Alva, who was about seven or so, went flying over the side LITERALY. He would have died that day, if it weren’t for my brother Tim who had managed to grab him right in mid air.

But what do I remember most about that day? It was how shaken Sue was.  You have to remember, I was only eleven or so at the time. I didn’t have kids, didn’t appreciate the whole “life and death” thing because up until that point in my life, I’d never lost anyone close to me.

Us kids, we were all like “that was COOL!!! DUDE!!! YOU SEE THAT?!!!” God Bless the innocent ones. But Sue was FREAKIN freaked the hell out!!! Yes, I realize I used two “freakin” variations in a row, BUT it calls for it!  Well, now that I am a parent, I get it.

We all look back at that day and smile with appreciative love. That single event, affected me in many ways. At the time, of course we thought it was awesome. As I got older, it was not only awesome it was filled with amazement at exactly how things happened the way they did. It all happened in a mere fraction of a second and could have gone either way. As I had children, the fear of just exactly how close not only Alva was to being seriously injured, but we all could have gone over the side that day. Sue could have lost complete control and flipped the old blue. Now, as a much older version of the young girl in the back of that truck, I still feel every inch of awesomeness, amazement, fear and even enjoyment. We didn’t realize it at the time, but Tim didn’t save Alva. God saved Alva, through Tim. Just like God blessed me with my aunt Sue.  Therein, lays the joy.

Aunt Sue had many struggles and strange occurrences in her young life, yet she always stayed strong. I can hear her voice even now giving me advice.

                 Me : “Aunt Sue, how did you manage to raise James and Alva after Big

                            Alva was killed? I don’t understand how you can manage to live without

                            him.”

                 Sue :  “I don’t know, honey. You just do it.” 

I have always loved this photo of me and my aunt taken February 1971. So, now my beloved blog followers, I am sharing this photo of us with you. Aunt Sue, you are gone but never, EVER forgotten!

 

Sue 1

    August 5, 1953 – December 27, 2012

May we all learn to slow down as we are going through life’s back roads and not take the curves too fast. Just feel every emotion God gives you. You never know, what feels badly today may bring you much appreciation later.

Now, I think I’ll play some Charlie Daniels in my aunt’s honor. Then, maybe I’ll play some Hinsons.  Ya’ll be good, ya hear?

Ya’ll, let’s say we kick some CANCER butt?? Whadda ya say??

Til next time  . . . peace

AJ



{January 19, 2012}   Ten Things

December 27, 2013

Hey guys! Welcome! I originally posted this blog last January. Since I’ve gained many new reader’s recently, I thought I’d repost . . . Just to give you a little insight in to who “AJ” is. I hope you enjoy!!

January 18, 2012

Hello everyone. Welcome back!! As most of you know, last year I decided to take a bit of time off from blogging for personal reasons. One day, when it’s not so raw, I’ll write and tell you all about it. For now, it’s just good to be writing again. I hope you are as excited to read about my crazy life as I am to tell you about it!

I thought I would start by refreshing my readers as well as give some insight to my new readers into who I am, my writing style and more importantly, my odd, sometimes very weird, sense of humor.

So, here we go.

Ten Things You May Not Know About Me; But Should:

10. I am addicted to the TV show “Toddlers & Tiaras”. I’m not certain whether I am in awe

       of the girls or dumbfounded by the moms. Maybe both.

9.  I strive to be a peaceful person. I try to think before I speak. However, what you don’t know,

     is there is someone in my life that I secretly hate …. more and more. It’s a never-ending

     conflict within myself.

8.  I think Bill Goldberg is the epitome of a male role model. It’s very clear in his everyday

      public life he strives to be . . . better. I am proud to have my son look up to him.

Now for the fun part 🙂

7.  Sometimes, I make my kids watch the cartoons “Fairly Odd Parents” and “Dexter’s

     Laboratory” just so I can watch it without looking like a loser (yes, I know, that ship has

     sailed!). Who can turn down two faeries and a genius scientist? Not me!

6.  I can’t focus on anything unless my bed is made…forget the rest of the room…

5.  I cuddle with my cat. Not crazy enough? Ok, my cat and I sleep chest to chest with her paw

     touching the side of my check 🙂 isn’t that sweet? Or does that fall under mental?

     hummmm….

4.  I speak German, a bit of Spanish and American Sign Language. With my sucky memory,

      it’s not an easy task!

3.  Stewie from “Family Guy” I find strangely hilarious. As you can tell, I am easily amused.

2.  I am a hippy at heart.

NOW for the big one…..

1. I have three tattoos! I know, I look so sweet and *cough, sorry I choked on that word…innocent (damn cough again!) but I have me a wild hair.

Hopefully, I have shared some good things with you so that you aren’t ill with me for being gone so long. Maybe if I tell you where my tattoo is?

Here’s one more for the road : I know a perversely amount of meaningless trivia!!

Until Next Time . . . PEACE

AJ



et cetera