How I Ended Up This Way's Blog











{July 12, 2014}   A Letter of Love

Hi everyone! Welcome. To say I was delivered a shock a few weeks ago would be acutely accurate. See, I had been dating someone since late last year. We called it quits towards the end of January/beginning of February. In the whole scheme of things, we really hadn’t dated very long. However, *Mike and I have known each other somewhere around twenty five years or so. Although that period was broken into chunks of time.
I knew going into the relationship, it could not lead into anything serious. Mike made it clear he would not make a commitment . . . ever. I was ok with this. At that point, I wasn’t even certain if I wanted anything more than a friend to hang out with. Even though Mike and I only dated a short time, it was intense. It was only a short time into the relationship that Mike told me he wanted to be exclusive. Yet still holding to the fact that in the end, this would be all we could have. It would not lead to boyfriend/girlfriend status. It would not lead to meeting his children. In fact, I got the feeling they would never know about me. It would absolutely never end in marriage.
For some reason, this relationship was out of the norm for me. Typically, I didn’t care about anyone I had dated (other than the casual concern). I never looked into the future and wonder what would be. To be frank, I would tire of them rather quickly. It didn’t matter to me if they would get mad because I didn’t carve out a place for them in my world. My kids never even met the guys I hung out with. There was no reason for them too, in my mind. Usually by the second date, I knew whether or not there was anything there to build on. Time and time again, there wasn’t.
I was happy to hear Mike say he only wanted it to be “us”. I was falling and falling fast. This was a huge problem for me. Mike was no closer to being a couple in every sense of the word than he was when we our first date. I felt some of the choices he was making at the time along with his “no love” stance it was clear where his mind and heart would always remain. And that wouldn’t be with me.
So, ultimately, I went into self-preservation mode as is my way. I began, almost without control, pushing him away by my actions. I pushed and I pushed hard. It worked. It worked too well. Mike walked away thinking, I’m certain, that he dodged a bullet. He dodged a ride on the crazy train.
I wouldn’t talk about him with anyone. Not even my father, with whom I share a special bond with. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. He was always able to “fix” things for me. That is, until my divorce several years ago. I had to fight my way back from a very dark place. I had to do this on my own. No one could fight the battle with me, no one could ease the pain and at times, I thought I would never be whole again. I still feel that way at times. However, I now know having a husband or someone who loves you completely isn’t what makes you whole.
Yes, it hurt not being able to talk to Mike and not being able to see his face. But I knew I would get through it with a little bit of time. We no longer spoke, texted, nor emailed. He even deleted me from his Facebook. I’ve said it before, when I push someone away in an attempt to save myself, it do it right.
As the months went gone by, I no longer had to fight the feeling to check his Facebook just to get a glimpse of him. I no longer think of him every day. I don’t even get that quiet sadness I used to when I thought of what could have been. I don’t want to say I never think of him, but it’s not often and only for a fleeting second. Until a few weeks ago.
Out of the blue, I see where he is now my friend again on Facebook. I realize Facebook is simply Facebook. It’s not magic, it doesn’t provide true friendships as a norm. Although, I have met some very close friends as well as my old high school friends. Either way, he cyber-connected with me. My heart skipped a few beats at the sight of him. I was not expecting to see his face that morning. I thanked him. We had a little idle chit chat and with that, closed the circle that was our relationship.
Mike will always hold a special place in my heart. He taught me it was ok to let myself feel those feelings I had be blocking out for so long. It was ok to really feel in the moment and although we have different desires and wants in the long term, it’s ok to take that chance. If it doesn’t work . . . will heal. But one day, I’ll get it right. I look forward to the day I know I’ve nailed this love thing. I know God will lead me down the right path. I know at the end of that path, or maybe somewhere along the way, he (whoever he is) is waiting for me as well.

Until next time . . . PEACE

AJ

*name changed



{May 21, 2014}   Swingin By

I am not a very emotional person. By emotional, I mean the “lovey-dovey, strawberries and cream” kind of emotion, although I do have my moments. Yet, sometimes I am faced with words I must put to paper. Almost as if the words are slapping me saying “I will win, so you might as well get up and write this story so you can get some sleep.” Yea, sounds like tons of fun, doesn’t it?

So here goes. I literately dreamed this poem. Although, in the dream it was a song, I was surrounded by cowboys that looked like Brett Michaels and Vince Neil . . , all on horseback, doing a reality TV show about “real cowboys”. Seriously. And let me tell you, if you think having a song stuck in your head is bad, try having a song that doesn’t exist stuck in your head. Now that, my friends, is a pain in the arse.                                  

Now that I have left you with the image of Motley Crue’s lead singer on horseback, did I mention the cowboy hats? OH, and “Cowboy Troy” was there as well . . . the only black cowboy I know. Here is the result of my mind’s never ending imagination. It doesn’t always make sense, but at least there are hot guys, huh?

 

                                                         A friend comes when called.

                                             A better friend calls to see how you are.

                              But the greatest of friends, aww . . the greatest of friends

                                                           Swing by – just in case.

 

Thank you all for swingin’ by.

Until Next Time . . . PEACE

AJ



I apologize this blog is a bit late. Long story short . . . multiple computer issues. However, finally I can give this to you! I hope you enjoy!

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When it comes to my writing, I’m pretty laid back. However, you either get my humor or you don’t. Most of my blog posts basically consist of whatever crazy idea which happens to be on my mind on any particular day. My blogs are random, at times serious but more often the topic is something so ridiculous silly and off the wall. Those are the ones I hear this comment most: “I can’t believe you wrote that!! But somehow, it makes so much sense!” Remember the “arm pit hair blog?” Yea, that was a golden one!

Typically, an idea pops into my mind, I’ve made my notes, written and posted it within a 24 hour period. This is not one of them. I’m a bit of a history buff not to mention I know a freakishly amount of meaningless trivia, so fact checking is usually not a detail ordeal. I usually know enough about history to get by with the very least amount of research possible to ensure my facts are correct.

However, research has not been the issue with this one. The issue, you ask? How do I honor this man sufficiently? I’ve been actively preparing for this blog, day in and day out, for over two months now. Somehow, I always fall short. Am I stressed? Yes. Am I exhausted? Yep. Am I honored? Absolutely!

One year ago, last month, God called another angel home. George Jones went to receive his reward. It was the very same month, fifteen years ago, that his long time singing partner, ex wife and mom to beautiful Georgette Jones, Tammy Wynette was called home.

I cannot remember a time when I didn’t know who George was, even when I didn’t understand what he meant in some of his songs. “The Corvette Song” anyone?. My dad raised me on George and Tammy.

I have tweeted, posted, texted, private messaged and spoken with every possible one I could and asked “what’s your favorite George Jones song?” It wasn’t as if I was taking a poll. I simply have a HARD time choosing MY favorite song! There are so many I love. Just when I’d say “Whose Gonna Fill Their Shoes?” I say (yes to myself… don’t judge.. ) “No, The Race is on”. Repeat that about a thousand times with ALL his songs. I swear, I think I just might know every song word by word without hearing it for years. Kind of freaks my kids out. I’ll be writing or watching tv with the music on.. they’ll walk in…starting talking .. I’ll reply…George comes up…dead middle sentence I’m compelled to sing. Oh, and by the way, you know that bucket? The one you can’t carry a tune in? Yea, write my name on the side in John Deere Green. Yes, I am aware Joe Diffe sings the song. I’m trying to make a point here.

I have often said, “music heals.” I know this to be true. Tammy’s Til I Can Make It On My Own got me through my divorce.

[youtube.com/watch?v=BvA0OUD4Y9E]

It absolutely does not matter what song, George sings. His voice is like salve to my heart. For those of us musically challenged, any singer who can actually sing well keeps us in awe. George kept us entranced. This mix is only a few of my favorite Jones songs.

[youtube.com/watch?v=pE1QYlATnGo&#038]

George and Tammy made us feel as if we knew them personally. With the end of April, Mother’s Day behind up and as Father’s Day approaches, I think about Georgette. As difficult as this time of the year is for her, she continues to open up and share parts of this beloved pair with us. Simply because she is proud and she knows they have helped us through their music.

I see fans posting to Georgette things such as “you sound just like your dad” or “you sound just like your mom’. Personally, I don’t believe she sounds “just like” either parent. She has her own distinct sound. It is a mixture between her parents sound but completely her own. In her music we find the same healing, comfort, down to earth warmth that made us fall in love with George and Tammy. We are finding ourselves fast falling in love with her by her own merit. Just as I picture George and Tammy would have wanted.

[youtube.com/watch?v=ICdDGZphspA]

Georgette, to you, I want to say how very special your parents and the music were and continue to be in my life. I humbly thank you for continuing to share and give us a glimpse into your life. Whether you know it or not, you are allowing us to heal, enjoy and sometimes be sad with you. They will forever be missed.

Collage 2014-05-16 18_07_27

Until next time . . . Peace

AJ



{January 14, 2014}   What Just Happened?

Hi everyone! I originally posted this back January 2012. As I was reading through some of my old blogs, I read this and two years later, I’m still shaking my head that all of this even happened. I hope you enjoy.

What Just Happened?

Hey everyone, welcome!

I am facing a first in writing this blog and actually several firsts that have occurred over this past weekend. The first in writing, is how exactly do I document to you, with the intensity in which the events occurred, that this actually did happened? I’m still shaking my head at the whole thing. It begins with a call from my friend, Anna, who holds season tickets to the Jacksonville Jaguars. It was their pre-game season opener. Heck yea, I’ll go with. Anything to get out and do something different.

The twenty minute drive was uneventful. That would soon change.

Once we arrived at the stadium, we are walking and chatting it up. All of a sudden Anna grabs me by the hand, and rushes me away from the area. She just caught sight of her ex, the one that was physical with her. We should have just left then. However, we didn’t run into him anymore that night.

We get to our seats to find there are two guys sitting there. So I politely tell them, “Excuse me, hun, I believe your in our seats.” No problem, they got up and left. In a few short minutes, we would wish we had been mistaken about the seats.

This next part, I don’t know how to put it in a conversational matter, so I’m just going to number the events, ok? Good.

1. I spent several minutes and a few different times, stopping my friend from beating the shit out of the old bi…lady that sat behind her in our season tickets seats for the Jags. She’s already got a little trouble she’s dealing with . . . sure don’t need any more. Her hair kept touching the woman’s water. Anna asks me, pleadingly, if she can toss her hair…just to piss off the “water woman”. I was the sober one, so of course, I have to tell her “No, be the bigger person. Besides, she’s old”. Anna then balls her hair up so that it doesn’t hang down. Nice of her, I thought.

By the way, I don’t care how old you are, it doesn’t make it ok to be rude and nasty because you lived this long. Manners, please.

2. While I was keeping an eye on Anna and the old lady, I’m also spending the entire time trying to dodge the guy, married I might add, that holds the season tickets seats down from us. He kept asking if I was going home to bed. I think he meant his bed.

3. Finally, I get fed up with old “water witch” who has been running that mouth constantly, and turned and looked her dead in her eye, to tell her to shut up already (totally against my nature…but you would have gotten sick of her too). Only to be stopped short by the old lady’s friend (a male) telling her to, and I quote, “SHUT THE FU5@ UP! Just SHUT UP!” I turned to him and politely (well, I didn’t curse) told him “thank you for telling her that”. I’d really have hated getting drug out of the stadium for assaulting an old woman over my friend’s hair touching her water. Plus, my mama would have been mad at me. The woman decided to shut up and hold her damn cup of water.

So, we’re back to watching the game. I’m not drinking, I don’t drink anymore. My friend is drinking and getting her’s on pretty quickly. We decide to head back to the cabana (did I mention she has AWESOME seats and even better parking?).

On the way back to the cabana, I’m thinking . . . “I don’t want to have to get into a shouting match with Anna for her keys. She’s a red head, but dang, she can’t walk. I have to get those keys.” So I, awe so sweetly, ask her “Anna, where’s your car keys?” To this she tells me, “they’re safe, got ’em in my pocket.” Again, very sweetly I ask, “May I have them please?”

“Huh?” she said.

“May I have your car keys, please. I’m driving us home.”

“Oh, sure! Here you go.” She hands me the keys. Whew, avoided a throw down with my home girl and having to walk home!

By now, we are back at the cabana. I get her a beer from the bartender, she can’t walk right, when we notice she’s out of cigarettes. Well, damn.

We sit for awhile, there’s not many people in the cabana to bum a cig from. Not even one cute guy to eyeball either. We decide to go on a hunt for some cigs . . . or a guy, whatever comes first . . . (just joking there….but hold on, cuz this bites me in the ass in a minute). This cute guy is walking past us with his cig box out digging for a cig. We ask him for one. He’s completely out and completely wasted. My red headed friend precedes to call this guy . . . “an ass”. Now, you have to know Anna. Calling someone an ass is just an expression. She doesn’t mean it but people that don’t know her don’t know that. Anyway, he was in the same spot we were, standing there with an empty cig box. I took the box from him, showed it to her and said “see, no, really, he’s out too”. Yes, I actually did this.

The next thing out of her mouth is “your cute”. So, now we have a drunk, and by now, we know he’s Army (GO ARMY!!) following us around the parking lot. Envision two drunken fans, and one sober one following them aimlessly . . . just because I didn’t know what the heck they were trying to accomplish and in a minute, she’ll remember she’s looking for cigs anyway.

Having found no cigs and personally tired of looking, we head for the car. I’m thinking, ok, dude’s gonna have to skit (that’s say bye-bye for those above the Mason Dixon line). We find the car. I’m waiting for her to tell him to skit. She wants to take him! OMG! Really? We’re not done with this drunk yet? Now, he was too wasted to do any harm, so we climb in the car, however, I did make her sit up front with me. Fu*& them; makin’ out in the back seat with me as their driver? I think not. Off we go. Now, I’m loving driving this car. It’s a bad ass car! Loved it! We are going to get something to eat and hopefully dump this guy. But first we stop for those precious cigs.

We decide on Chilli’s. Again, the sober leading the drunk into another place. We take a seat, the waiter tells us, “are you going to be drinking?” From back and beside me comes two “yes'” in unison. Damn. He tells us “well, you may want to go to Buffalo Wings (or some shit) because in about two minutes we are having last call and they are open until two.” Of course, we have to go to where the drinks are.

Everyone climbs into the car, me happy to drive it again. It won’t start. It’s midnight. Not on the worst part of town, but the second worst and I’m with two people that would trip on the ground if we had to defend ourselves. Great. I go back in to Chilli’s and ask the cutie (he was like 19 or something) for some jumper cables. Luckily, yes finally a little luck, however short lived. He has jumper cables and gets off in five minutes or so if I want to wait for him. Freakin’ awesome! Found someone who could jump us fairly quickly. As he pulls his car around and I’m standing there talking to him just glad to be speaking to someone sober and not having to constantly repeat myself, the guys he works with yells to him “HEY, it doesn’t take that long to jump a car!” clearly teasing him. I thought what the heck, “tell him that may not be all your jumping”. LOL. Well, I thought it was funny. Not that I was gonna sleep with a boy that looked as young as my daughter.

Great, battery won’t charge; car won’t start. “Yes, Anna . . . the Honda. ” Somehow, she couldn’t believe it was her Honda that wouldn’t start. It never gives her problems. Well, maybe it’s sick of dumb ass in the back seat.

She is friends with God and everybody, so she calls her friend the tow trucker driver, Dwayne. But she won’t shut up about getting some damn nachos! I’m thinking, stay with the car . . . she’s thinking hit up Buffalo Wings and get a drink and those nachos. “He’ll find me” she tells me of Dwayne. Whatever, she has a phone, mine’s dead, so I’m sticking with them. We walk next door, order up some nachos and get them another beer. Once the tow truck driver calls her to tell her he’s at the car, she goes to take care of whatever he needs her there for leaving me with drunk Army man, she took all the cigs so he’s out (again), and now, his shorts are falling down. I say again, freakin awesome.

As dude and I talk, he’s not a bad guy. We actually, as well as one can when the other one is drunk, are talking like friends. He had previously given me his number. Why? I don’t know. Maybe the same reason he tried to give the little guy that tried to jump start the car his number?? He tells me how much he likes my friend but my friend has made it clear she has started a new relationship, however, it’s very new. He’s asking for my advice. I tell him, “look at it like this (and you’ll get the irony of this part soon) nothing comes from a drunken start. Swap numbers, text, call a bit see how it goes. If she still wants the guy she’s with, your a decent guy, I’m sure we all can be friends.”

We are still waiting for Anna to come back, so we go out to the patio where he begins to engage in conversation with a couple, clearly not drunk, about wanting to get with my girl. I just look at them and mouth “I’m sorry” as I try to get his attention away from them. But the girl thinks its funny as hell and is giving him advice, the first piece is to pull up his pants”. Chic was too funny though, I give her that!

Anna’s back. We all climb into the tow truck, them side by side, me sitting between Anna’s legs. The kissing continues however. “So hey Dwayne, how are ya?”

Dwayne is kind enough to drop me off at my house first before taking Anna, the dumb ass, and the car back to Anna’s. I tried to get rid of him several times, telling him he couldn’t go home with her that night letting him believe she had her man at home. She’s sobering up, she can deal with him. I did feel a little bad though, “should I go home with her?” Too late now. Damn, I realize I’m watching Dwayne drive off with my keys in the Honda.

I did worry about her throughout the night. At seven AM she texts me. So I call her. No, they didn’t sleep together. They slept a few hours and she took him to work. Thank goodness that’s done.

Hold up. No, it’s not. I found dude funny and we were chums, so I texted him later that day to see if he got in trouble for being late for work. His reply “I’m sorry but I don’t remember you.” Mine “no doubt! You were so wasted!” And then I begin to let him know, “remember, I’m the friend of the chick you spent the night kissing all over.” We talked about Chilli’s; he remembered that. But couldn’t remember if they did anything.

Uh, AJ, clue #1. “No, all you did was a whole freakin lot of making out!! LOL”

The reply stopped me cold. Yet another first and I hope last. “Good, because this is his wife.” Holy shit. All I could do is say “I’m so sorry. I swear he never said anything and the way he was acting, I had no reason to question him about it. And I was sober, so I know what all happened. I’m so sorry!” I felt like total crap.

She asked me a few questions, I answered them honestly and told her she could call me if she wanted to, I would be honest with her. She did. She sounded so young and just . . . quiet. I reassured her that only kissing happened, even though that’s bad enough. She asked “Neither of you saw a ring on his finger (she was not in the least hateful to me)” I assured her I had not. And I look. Believe me, I look. So, now she knows her husband has been kissing another woman, And I’m the reason she knows this. I feel horrible. Yes, she needed to know, yes she deserved to know, but did it have to be me telling her? Before I know it, I’m comforting this young girl that “doesn’t know if she can work thru this”. I advise her not to make rash decisions. If there is any part of her that wants to make it work, she needs to weigh that against if SHE can put what he’s done behind her. I asked her did he deny it? Has he done it before? No, he fessed right up. No, never before (I’ll just leave that answer at that), plus he wants to quit drinking. Well, that’s a great step.

All the while, I’m telling Anna what a bullet she dodged! She feels horrible as well and thankful things didn’t go further. That was enough to scare her back to the “no drinking” rule. I am thankful for that.

Anyway, my texts with the wife ends with her saying “I’m at softball practice, so we can talk later. Thanks for talkin!” I just don’t know what else to say. I can’t believe all this crap happened in one night; the night I go out. I hardly ever go out! And rarely am I the non drinker. Well, not anymore anyway.

One thing did make all this almost. . . no, it was worth all of it . . . my 15 year old came to me the morning after the game to say “I’m so proud of you. You went out and didn’t let others drinking make you give in to drinking too. I’m so proud of you for not drinking. I just want you to know that.”

Yea, it was worth it.

Until next time . . . PEACE

AJ



{November 7, 2013}   A Revisit to “Why”

Hey guys. I first wrote this blog in December 2011. With my recent car accident, my mother’s ongoing health issues and a few other personal issues, I needed the comfort that comes when I post this blog. If you saw it the first go around, I hope you enjoy the revisit. If you missed out on the original post; I hope you enjoy 🙂

* The Colour of Heaven By Aartist

It’s almost 5:30am. I have not been to sleep. I have tried but this blog and the words said here, would not leave my heart and mind. So, I hope it finds the person who needs to read these words as much as I needed to write them.

I asked God, “why do some judge me?”  He said “because you once judged another.’

I asked God, “why is it so difficult for me to buy my children the things they want?” God replied “do the children have what they need?”

I then asked God, “why have I suffered so?” He simply replied “It is not yet time for you to know.”

I ask God, “where were you when my brother died?”  God said, “I was right beside you. You were just not ready to see me”.

I dropped to the floor, crying from shame of things I had done throughout my life. With my head held down, I asked God, “how can you even look at me or bear to hear my name after all I’ve done wrong? How can you still love me?”

God said, “You have done many things in your life, some brought me joy, some brought me pain. A long time ago, at the beginning of time, I wrote your name down by mine. I gave you a gift and the desire to help others. In order for you to help others, your heart had to know the pain of others. I did not like seeing you in pain. You have asked for forgiveness, and I have given it. You can not buy forgiveness, it’s not to be bartered nor compromised.”

Reaching His hand out to me, He said, “Now, stand, my child, for your sins have already been paid.

Until next time……Peace

A.J.

* PHOTO CURTESY OF AARTIST ; http://aartist.deviantart.com/art/The-Colour-of-Heaven-138170562



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