How I Ended Up This Way's Blog











{November 9, 2010}   A Time For Honesty

Hi Guys, welcome.

Ok, in the spirit of remaining true to the reason I began this blog, I must be honest. Honest with myself and honest with all of my readers. Therefore, as much as it pains me to admit this to you, and mostly to myself, I must do this in order to get past it.

Maybe it’s the time of year, but the past couple of months have been very difficult for me.  Even writing this blog brings pain into my heart and all I want to do is close the browser and skip today’s blog. As a matter of fact, it’s almost 3 am and I am doing everything possible not to have to face these feelings. Denial has always been my safety net. I am editing pictures, that do not need editing, as I am writing this. Just so I do not have to write this blog. It’s now 3:10am. Damn this is hard.

I owe you honesty, I owe myself honesty. So, here goes. January 14, 2011 will mark the 4th year anniversary that my husband walked out the door. Hold for a second, I see a photo that I need to fix.

Most of the time, I am fine and deal with being a single mom. (5 minutes later) Sorry, I had to look at some more pictures. But I’m back. Guys, you know my writing. You know I “feel” things deeply and usually can find something, anything in my blogs that I can find humor in. I hope to be able to dig deep and pull that up for you guys.  

So I’m going on 4 years apart from Guy. Going on 4 years of being told I am no longer loved by my husband of 20 years. Another Christmas without my children waking up on Christmas Day with their mom and dad dreading getting out of bed at 6am because, you know on Christmas Day, kids have NO problem getting out of bed that early!

Four years. Why do I still feel the loneliness and physical pain in my heart? I mean when he comes over and he is the “good natured” man I married, to see the kids or to help dad with something, those familiar feelings kick in. When he comes over and is a jerk, of course, I don’t miss him so much. Not at all really.

But just as soon as I see the hateful person and think “Jeez, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore”. Then the next day, it’s as if we fall back into the way it used to be. It could be something as simple as walking out to the care together as we did last night. I just felt so normal. Almost like the past 4 years didn’t happen.

Will it every stop? Seriously, will it ever stop? Because, I’m tired of this ride and I want to get off now.

It was very hard to write this blog and put complete part of myself out here. It’s now 4:40am. That’s how long it took me to write down what I already knew I had to say.

I hope this time next year, I will not be writing this letter again.

 So, I have decided that until things change, I am going back to the man I have loved since I was 11years old. He has never hurt me and he never will.  

Dale Murphy

Until next time……Peace

A.J.

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{October 12, 2010}   How Long Has It Been?

Hello everyone. Welcome.

When I began this blog, I was hoping by sharing my story, I would be able to somehow reach out to someone that may be experiencing the same things I was and had experienced in the past three and a half years since my husband left.  I have gotten a lot of great feedback and I feel God has used my words to somehow bring some comfort to someone reading this by sharing my experiences as well as proving that you are not alone in these feelings, whatever your situation may be.  

So, why am I bringing this up? I’d like you to take a moment and look back at some of the recent blogs I’ve written. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Why did I ask you to do this? Because I wanted you to notice how long it had been since I wrote anything about my ex. Not counting “15 Things” it’s been over a month. I began the blog having worked through a lot of issues and felt I was on the other side of the pain, other than the occasional pings of guilt, loneliness and hurt. And in fact, I was on the healing side, which is a good place to be I have to say.  

As I have said, I’ve gotten a lot of great feedback and some dedicated readers. I’ve received tweets telling me they enjoy their daily ritual of reading my blog over their morning coffee, on their way to work and yes, even when they get to the office and before they begin the work day. Thank you all so much for sharing this with me!

The fact that I have not even thought to write about my ex, is just further proof that the healing process, for me, has come full circle. I could go on everyday writing things about him. But truth is, I just don’t care too. It’s not part of my life having to reflect on the marriage or him on a daily basis.

So, to those of you still recovering from a painful divorce or breakup, it does get better and it CONTINUES to get better….if you allow yourself to heal. You deserve happiness. You deserve to move forward, even if you think you don’t want to. Because, the cold hard truth is, life is going to move forward regardless of what you want. Does that mean you have to move on to the next man or woman? Not at all. But you CAN move forward with your life until you are ready to take that step with another relationship. And you need this time before you move on with someone else.

Enjoy the time you have being yourself and not someone’s significant other. Enjoy being with your family and reconnecting with them as an individual. In the end, when you do decide to move forward with a relationship, you will be much better off emotionally, spiritually and as and individual.

Until next time….PEACE

AJ



Hello everyone, welcome.

Boy, when I open up a can of worms, I do it right! My twitter family knows what I mean. If you don’t follow me, well…..you’ll understand very quickly!

Let me first just say, this blog post is MY opinion. Leann and Eddie did not participate in the creation of this post.   

I made a comment to Leann Rimes the other day via Twitter, supporting her relationship with Eddie’s children. My support of her has not pleased a lot of people. However, I believe, that the multiple tweets sent to me, my replies, then re-tweets back….etc, makes it impossible to go into the Leann Rimes/Eddie Cibrian saga (in detail) that has now sprouted a whole life of it’s own. Again.

So, I thought I would take this opportunity to fully address where I am coming from. I am not trying to sway anyone’s beliefs. I don’t believe that is why God put me here and more specifically, right in the middle (indirectly) of Leann’s and Eddie’s business. We are each responsible for our choices and each have to make own decisions in life based on our morals and beliefs. I do not believe that God put me here to stand in judgment of Leann and Eddie or anyone else for that matter. When it comes down to it, I will be the only one standing before God on Judgment Day answering for my own short comings. I strongly believe He will not ask me “Why did you not condemn Leann and Eddie?

I do not condone how they got together. NOT that I was there and therefore, I honestly do not know anything about it, other than what the press says. I do not believe everything I read in those magazines. I am not saying it didn’t happen, I’m saying it’s none of my business how the relationship began.

My support comes from what are they to do now? And that is providing a stable home, on both sides, for the children. Making sure the children know whether they are with mom or with dad and Leann, they are in a loving and safe environment.

No matter how much you feel Leann is to blame for the breakup, slamming Leann is not good for those kids. Unfortunately, everything they say and do is portrayed in the media. And before anyone says this, let me address it first….neither should anyone, including Leann, slam Eddie’s ex. She is their mother, their only real mother. But surely, there is a place in their hearts and lives for someone else who loves them? Isn’t it so much better that Leann looks at them as her family other than only being “Eddie’s Girlfriend” and them being “Eddie’s kids”?

I know that Eddie’s ex is hurt. I know seeing Eddie and Leann in the media makes it ten times worse. I know that seeing the boys with another woman in their lives is very painful…..I personally don’t know what I would do in her shoes. She has every right to these feelings…I’m not claiming otherwise. However, everyone that continues to keep this issue on the forefront of the media and keeping it alive is not helping her heal.

The issues involving the children should be handled between the parents. I don’t feel Leann is not trying to take the kids’ mother’s place. She’s admitted her mistakes. She’s just trying to find her place in their lives.

My thing is, “ok, this happened….wish it would have been done differently, but since we can’t go back and do it over…… where do we go from here?” “How can we make this situation the BEST that we can for these boys?”

Basically put, it’s none of our business. You may not agree with me or with how they got together, but it’s for all of them to work out. Not us.

I know I will no longer comment on these issues. I have made the decision to keep my nose out of their issues. I only hope that others will take my decision and reflect on it, and possibly adopt it as their own. Only then will they be able to deal with these issues and thereby begin the healing process.

 Till next time……Peace

A.J.



Welcome everyone!

As I was thinking of my next post, something else was brewing in the back of my mind. If I could go back 15 years or so, what would I do different? As the list got longer and longer, it was certain I would have to blog about this! Maybe some younger women my age will think twice about somethings before following through thinking it will not affect their future. Truth is, sometimes it does.

So, here we go!

15 Things I Wish I Could Tell My 20 Year Old Self

 

 1.  Take your time. You don’t have to be in such a hurry to have everything  

      and do everything. It won’t matter in ten years anyway.

  2.  Take the time, everyday, to let your husband, and your family, know

       you love them. Sometimes you forget to tell them, stop and remember.

  3. When your brother visits you by surprise one morning to tell you he loves you,

       WAKE up completely, get out of bed and have breakfast with him.

       You’ll know when this day comes.

4.  You’re just now coming out of your shell. Don’t be so hard on your loved

     ones. Don’t hold on to the little things that bother you so tightly. It’s not worth

     it.

5.  Don’t be so stubborn and prideful. Learn to compromise, some pride is

      good, too much pride can ruin you in the end and leave you with nothing.

 6. You are beginning to learn new things about yourself and will soon grow to love the person you are.

     Hold tight to her, don’t let her get lost in the fast pace and hardships of life. Hold very, very tightly.

 7.  Remain strong in your beliefs. You don’t have to be arrogant to get your point across. In the end, it doesn’t

      matter who was right or wrong, it matters who did their best to help others. Redirect that “I have to be right”

     energy into helping others. You will get much more self satisfaction than if you are always trying to prove

     yourself right.

 8. Be very weary of so called friends. What you see on the surface, but feel in your gut, IS an honest gut feeling.

    This person is NOT your friend. Stay clear of this person and don’t let him/her come between you and Guy.

    I can’t stress this enough. You will know him when the time comes.

 9. Let your true self show and shine! Forget trying to please others. Do what you feel is right and others

     will see from your actions and know you have integrity.

10. When you start your family, don’t be so hard on your kids. Remember spanking isn’t always the solution.

       Just learn to learn from them. By the time they are a little older, you’ll regret a lot of choices you made when   

       you chose to spank. And there are no “take backs”.

 11. I KNOW how badly you want to, but DO NOT get that tattoo on your lower back with the initial “g” for

       your husband. And don’t joke about “if you ever get a divorce, you’ll just say it stands for Garth Brooks”.

      You’ll come to realize, it’s not funny. And Garth won’t be on top forever!

 12. Do not get the tattoo on your ankle…or at least let someone else do it. It will come out to look like

         something you most definitely do not want! Nothing like the “feather” you want!

 13. I know, at times, you and your mother-in-law butt heads. Don’t be so indignant of it. You know you

        love her and believe it or not, she does love you.  She tells you this…believe her. You’ll have your ups and

       downs, but NEVER let her think that you don’t love her. Always be respectful, even when disagreeing.

      It’s just not worth fighting and losing her in your life. She will not turn her back on you, although sometimes,

      you may feel that way. Assume she has other things going on, because she does. Sometimes, it has got

      nothing to do with you.  Sometimes, she just doesn’t know how to handle things. Trust in her and trust

      in the fact that no matter what, she does love you.  

14. Never ever fight in front of the kids. Ever. Always stay on top of your credit and pay your bills on time.

      You don’t want to lose that. 

15. Never doubt that Guy is your one and only love. Treat him that way. Everyday, show him.

       Each day that God gives you with him, be the wife he needs you to be. He loves you very much right now,

      don’t ever jeopardize that. You will never stop loving him. Things may change, but you will love him forever.

      He is your best friend. Don’t lose that. Don’t give him reason to ever lose respect for you.

     The way you feel right now, that you can’t live without him, you still feel 17 years later. Don’t lose that.

And one most thing to add……when your heart is broken, it WILL HEAL….don’t be scared to look at what has

changed in your life and see it for the reality it now is.

ALWAYS REMEMBER, YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE! LOVE YOURSELF!!

See ya soon,

AJ

Until next time…..PEACE

AJ



{August 14, 2010}   Poem “Mom”

**** UPDATE: Due to the returning success and interest in this blog site, I have decided to continue writing under this address. Please delete FindingAJ blog…..Thanks for hanging in there! AJ

 Hello everyone! Let me first start by saying thank you again for all the support with this blog!! You’ve given me so much support that I feel I have to make adjustments to the blog and have decided to move the main focus of the blog to take on other issues besides my struggles. To commence this, I have started a new blog with a new address.

One of the main reasons that I decided to make this move is due to a poem my 13 year old daughter wrote for me. I have tried to show my girls and my son how to remain strong during battles and have done my best do set a good example. The poem, which I did not ask for, makes me feel I am getting something right!

I also want to focus more on charity work and bringing some of those charities to light. More talking about others and less talking about myself. If you have a favorite charity, please let me know….I will check it out.

So, on the eve of this blog and with the journey to the next step, here is the poem from my daughter entitled “Mom”. Please share it with someone you love, and be sure to follow me to

Thanks!  AJ…..PEACE

“MOM”

She stands alone, both tall and true,
The perfect picture of solitude.
The soul of a woman encased in bark,
With limbs that move in a majestic arc.

Alone,
She’s faced the storms of life,
The wind, rain, disease, and strife.
Others gave up,
But no, not she,

She stands there, for all to see. 

She’s had her share of troubles and woes,
But she made it through,
She still grows.

 Like her,
I know grief and pain,
I’ve faced wind, felt rain.
& Like her, I still stand tall.
Though life will beat me,
I will not fall.

Instead,
In the end, I shall grow.

 Each storm increases my strength
And beneath my skin,
My soul’s to thank.

The willow and I,
We know what to do,
I’ll count on myself

To make it through.



et cetera