How I Ended Up This Way's Blog











{October 14, 2014}   The Next Chapter

Hi everyone! Thank you for visiting my blog. My name is AJ. I originally began writing this blog in an attempt to work through some personal issues deriving from my divorce some five years prior. Not only did this blog provide a safe place for me to put words to the feelings I was dealing with, I believe this blog sometimes served as a life boat for me. When I felt helpless, hurt, angry, alone, confused and exhausted, I would turn to my blog and just write letting it all out. I immediately felt better emotionally, but I also felt mentally centered, if that makes sense.

It was also my hope, I would be able to reach out to those who may be feeling some of the same feelings I was dealing with. If I could help just one person know she/he was not alone . . . as I often felt, I knew it would be worth opening myself up this way. By the way, opening up, being so exposed, is not easy for me.

I wanted to find when and where I lost the woman I once was. The woman I loved. The one I had self confidence in. The woman I was before the end of my husband of 20 years walked out on me and our three kids deciding he “no longer wanted to be married”. I wanted to find the woman I knew was still somewhere deep inside of the woman I had become. I’m not proud of that woman. She was bitter, in so much pain, each day was a struggle, and she had given up on love completely. Hence the name of this blog. How I Ended Up This Way. It didn’t happen overnight and wouldn’t be fixed overnight. However, I knew it was within me to dig deep and rediscover the woman who believed in love and saw the world as a place to enjoy and experience life instead of something I would have to endure day after day.

As it turned out, from the very first blog post… I received so many stories from my readers saying “I’m in tears… this could have been written about me” or “I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I truly felt alone in the world”. Hearing these words, my pain fell to the wayside. I had a new mission. It was to do whatever I could, using my experiences, to reach out to help these lovely people not feel so alone.

Once my mission became clear, I was like falling back into my old self. By telling my story and some wacky stories along the way, I found the woman I had been searching for all along. To my readers and those who shared your stories via comments … I am so grateful to you.

As I make my way through the next chapter of my life, I hope you will continue to read my blogs and take this journey with me wherever it may lead me. We’ll share some laughs, maybe a few tears, but definitely encouragement that you are not alone in this!

Be sure to follow my facebook facebook.com/writerajcarroll (and like my Author page for updates on my novel Rightfully Mine)

And twitter: http://www.Twitter.com/WriterAJCarroll

Until next time…
AJ



My marriage was filled with its ups and downs like every other typical marriage. Even so, we were the couple that our friends always thought were made for each other. Every one of our friends was shocked at the break up. However, we were always great friends….even when we didn’t like each other at that particular time. We both knew we could confide in each other about anything, and did. The horrors I had to live through during my childhood and some issues during his childhood. The things that were never before spoken aloud, we talked about. Things that, I thought at the time, would make him not love me. But it was just the opposite. He understood why I was always so guarded, why I tended to push people out of my life and he knew I would eventually try (again) to push him out of my life. I just never realized there would be a time that he would let me push him out of my life. I never truly wanted end our marriage.  Still, when he walked out the door, I felt depressed, lost, angry, helpless and most importantly, I felt betrayed.  He wasn’t just my husband, he was my best friend. I had people to talk to of course, but not like him. He was the one I turned to for everything.  What would I do now? He said he would still be there to help if I needed it, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t bring myself to ask for his help. I mean, he walked out and left the marriage not me, right? Yes, I realize now, that was childish. But he acted like we had never been married. He actually turned into someone I didn’t know, not even a hint of the person I knew. Eventually, things got worse between us. Then, it slowly started to get better between us. We were able to be around each other longer and longer without one of us starting a fight, or saying something that would ensure a fight would follow. Now, over three years later, I do consider him a friend among other things. I don’t know if I would turn to him for something serious, but being able to be friends right now is enough.

While I was trying to come to terms with the fact that my best friend was no longer a friend at all, I had to deal with something equally upsetting. I had to come to terms with the that of my extended family’s reaction. That day, I lost a husband, best friend, mother-in-law, father-in-law, a sister-in-law and three brother-in-laws not to mention their wives, and children. Only two of my nieces on his side even speak to me. I love them dearly, just for that alone. I mean, I saw all these children grow up and most of them, I have known since birth. I told my mother-in-law once “I feel like I have lost a mother and an entire family”. She told me my father-in-law told her to “stay out of it”. I guess that means completely, zilch, no speaking to me at all. That is how I lost an entire family as soon as my husband (we’ll call him Guy) walked out the door. I still miss that family terribly but I have learned their decision was not my fault and therefore I could do nothing to fix it. I could still love them, just not be a part of their family….

Til next time……..PEACE

A.J.



{July 3, 2010}   The Beginning….

I have been trying to decide how to begin this blog. Do I begin with the cold hard truth of waking up one day facing the end of my 20 year marriage? Do I begin with how I began to heal since that day three and half years ago? Well, as it turns out, today as I opened my browser and saw the news posted on a popular website, it suddenly became clear.

It seems that a lady, nine years my junior, was profiled for her choice to go one year “Voluntary” without sex. It struck me as a little funny since I had made that same decision two years and nine months ago. “Why?” you may ask. I mean, what person in their right mind would go a year without ANY form of sex. Zilch. Nothing. Well, I will tell you.

As I said, I was married for twenty years. My husband and I got married about a year out of high school. I was never into serious relationships during my high school years….there was always something more important, like basketball. I had some good guy friends and that fulfilled any need for attention I felt I needed at the time. Which was all innocent… let me be VERY CLEAR on that.

However, once I got together with my husband and began this serious relationship, I fell hard and quickly. We were married at the tender age of nineteen. We began our family four years later when our first of three children arrived. A girl. Perfect in everyway (but aren’t they all???).

I loved my husband more than myself. He loved me more than he loved himself, I truly believe that. So, we continued in our marital bliss. Three and a half years later, our second daughter was born followed fifteen months later by our only son. Life was good. I was able to stay at home after my second child was born and began to work from home after my son was born.

To me, life couldn’t have been better. Little did I know, ten years later, I would be left a single mother, bitter and never willing to risk the chance at another life with someone else.

Once my husband left, I found the need to seek attention elsewhere…. anywhere. I felt unloved, unattractive and just…..old. I just needed to feel wanted again. It never went farther than flirting, because honestly, all I wanted was my old life back and to be with my husband again.  HE was the one I wanted. No one else could fill that void and I didn’t want anyone else to feel that void. So, to get to the point, after the last time with my husband, I decided to forgo sex of any kind for one year, and concentrate on ME…the inside ME.

There was a reason I felt the need to get attention from men. It wasn’t because I wanted John Doe or anyone else. I just wanted the attention and to feel important to someone. I didn’t realize that the person I needed to feel important to was myself.

So, as I spent this year (without even allowing myself to think about sex) rediscovering who I was, I slowly began to remember the person I was. And the further I dug into my soul, the more I did not like the person I had become. My value was not based on what men saw when they looked at me. Nor was it based on how I felt “loved” when someone found me attractive. I was beautiful on the inside and I didn’t need sex to prove that. I didn’t need men telling me I was pretty to know I was …. at least where it mattered most. By taking all aspects of sex out of the equation, I was able to see what people saw when they looked at me instead of what I wanted to feel when they looked at me. I was able to rediscover my value as a person. And that’s when things started looking up for me, emotionally. I felt my worth. I knew I was worthy of a man with a kind and devoted heart and just because my husband left (who I have to say, is not a bad person) it did not mean I was destined to be with whoever showed a little bit of interest in me. My true happiness was worth waiting for.

So, that is how MY one year vow of no sex turned into two years nine months and counting…..

I, for one, am a better person for having made this decision.

Until next time……peace.

A.J.



et cetera