How I Ended Up This Way's Blog











{October 14, 2014}   The Next Chapter

Hi everyone! Thank you for visiting my blog. My name is AJ. I originally began writing this blog in an attempt to work through some personal issues deriving from my divorce some five years prior. Not only did this blog provide a safe place for me to put words to the feelings I was dealing with, I believe this blog sometimes served as a life boat for me. When I felt helpless, hurt, angry, alone, confused and exhausted, I would turn to my blog and just write letting it all out. I immediately felt better emotionally, but I also felt mentally centered, if that makes sense.

It was also my hope, I would be able to reach out to those who may be feeling some of the same feelings I was dealing with. If I could help just one person know she/he was not alone . . . as I often felt, I knew it would be worth opening myself up this way. By the way, opening up, being so exposed, is not easy for me.

I wanted to find when and where I lost the woman I once was. The woman I loved. The one I had self confidence in. The woman I was before the end of my husband of 20 years walked out on me and our three kids deciding he “no longer wanted to be married”. I wanted to find the woman I knew was still somewhere deep inside of the woman I had become. I’m not proud of that woman. She was bitter, in so much pain, each day was a struggle, and she had given up on love completely. Hence the name of this blog. How I Ended Up This Way. It didn’t happen overnight and wouldn’t be fixed overnight. However, I knew it was within me to dig deep and rediscover the woman who believed in love and saw the world as a place to enjoy and experience life instead of something I would have to endure day after day.

As it turned out, from the very first blog post… I received so many stories from my readers saying “I’m in tears… this could have been written about me” or “I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I truly felt alone in the world”. Hearing these words, my pain fell to the wayside. I had a new mission. It was to do whatever I could, using my experiences, to reach out to help these lovely people not feel so alone.

Once my mission became clear, I was like falling back into my old self. By telling my story and some wacky stories along the way, I found the woman I had been searching for all along. To my readers and those who shared your stories via comments … I am so grateful to you.

As I make my way through the next chapter of my life, I hope you will continue to read my blogs and take this journey with me wherever it may lead me. We’ll share some laughs, maybe a few tears, but definitely encouragement that you are not alone in this!

Be sure to follow my facebook facebook.com/writerajcarroll (and like my Author page for updates on my novel Rightfully Mine)

And twitter: http://www.Twitter.com/WriterAJCarroll

Until next time…
AJ



{November 7, 2013}   A Revisit to “Why”

Hey guys. I first wrote this blog in December 2011. With my recent car accident, my mother’s ongoing health issues and a few other personal issues, I needed the comfort that comes when I post this blog. If you saw it the first go around, I hope you enjoy the revisit. If you missed out on the original post; I hope you enjoy 🙂

* The Colour of Heaven By Aartist

It’s almost 5:30am. I have not been to sleep. I have tried but this blog and the words said here, would not leave my heart and mind. So, I hope it finds the person who needs to read these words as much as I needed to write them.

I asked God, “why do some judge me?”  He said “because you once judged another.’

I asked God, “why is it so difficult for me to buy my children the things they want?” God replied “do the children have what they need?”

I then asked God, “why have I suffered so?” He simply replied “It is not yet time for you to know.”

I ask God, “where were you when my brother died?”  God said, “I was right beside you. You were just not ready to see me”.

I dropped to the floor, crying from shame of things I had done throughout my life. With my head held down, I asked God, “how can you even look at me or bear to hear my name after all I’ve done wrong? How can you still love me?”

God said, “You have done many things in your life, some brought me joy, some brought me pain. A long time ago, at the beginning of time, I wrote your name down by mine. I gave you a gift and the desire to help others. In order for you to help others, your heart had to know the pain of others. I did not like seeing you in pain. You have asked for forgiveness, and I have given it. You can not buy forgiveness, it’s not to be bartered nor compromised.”

Reaching His hand out to me, He said, “Now, stand, my child, for your sins have already been paid.

Until next time……Peace

A.J.

* PHOTO CURTESY OF AARTIST ; http://aartist.deviantart.com/art/The-Colour-of-Heaven-138170562



{January 8, 2013}   Ode To Aunt Sue

Hey everyone . . . welcome.

It’s been a rough beginning of the year for me. We buried a dear soul Saturday; my Aunt Sue.  It’s been FREAKIN tough … no, it’s PLUMB HARD writing this blog.

See, anytime I was stuck on a blog, I’d call my aunt Sue. For some very ODD reason (uh, Teddy… imagine THAT!) my auntie could talk me out of any crisis . . . she had that soothing voice.  Whether it was my brother’s death (Tim), my cousin’s death (her son, Alva), another cousin’s (Alan) death or a minor crisis like writer’s block, Sue had the magic touch for me.

Yet, each time I sat down to write this blog about her, I’d end up bawling. Then I’d get frustrated, then I’d reach for the phone to call my auntie so she could use her “magic voice” and calm me, so I could focus . . . Then, I would remember. She’s not here anymore.

My aunt went home to the Lord on December 27, 2012. She lost her battle with liver cancer. Through tears, I am somehow writing this.

I can still remember her and her old blue Chevy. It was a 1980, I think.  I was around eleven or so when we all hopped in the back to go to the creek. It was me, my brothers and Sue’s two sons — James and Alva.  Sue was driving on a back road in hillbilly Arkansas, (I can say that because I LIVED there!) and she took a curve too fast just as her tire inched off the road onto the loose gravel. My little cousin, Alva, who was about seven or so, went flying over the side LITERALY. He would have died that day, if it weren’t for my brother Tim who had managed to grab him right in mid air.

But what do I remember most about that day? It was how shaken Sue was.  You have to remember, I was only eleven or so at the time. I didn’t have kids, didn’t appreciate the whole “life and death” thing because up until that point in my life, I’d never lost anyone close to me.

Us kids, we were all like “that was COOL!!! DUDE!!! YOU SEE THAT?!!!” God Bless the innocent ones. But Sue was FREAKIN freaked the hell out!!! Yes, I realize I used two “freakin” variations in a row, BUT it calls for it!  Well, now that I am a parent, I get it.

We all look back at that day and smile with appreciative love. That single event, affected me in many ways. At the time, of course we thought it was awesome. As I got older, it was not only awesome it was filled with amazement at exactly how things happened the way they did. It all happened in a mere fraction of a second and could have gone either way. As I had children, the fear of just exactly how close not only Alva was to being seriously injured, but we all could have gone over the side that day. Sue could have lost complete control and flipped the old blue. Now, as a much older version of the young girl in the back of that truck, I still feel every inch of awesomeness, amazement, fear and even enjoyment. We didn’t realize it at the time, but Tim didn’t save Alva. God saved Alva, through Tim. Just like God blessed me with my aunt Sue.  Therein, lays the joy.

Aunt Sue had many struggles and strange occurrences in her young life, yet she always stayed strong. I can hear her voice even now giving me advice.

                 Me : “Aunt Sue, how did you manage to raise James and Alva after Big

                            Alva was killed? I don’t understand how you can manage to live without

                            him.”

                 Sue :  “I don’t know, honey. You just do it.” 

I have always loved this photo of me and my aunt taken February 1971. So, now my beloved blog followers, I am sharing this photo of us with you. Aunt Sue, you are gone but never, EVER forgotten!

 

Sue 1

    August 5, 1953 – December 27, 2012

May we all learn to slow down as we are going through life’s back roads and not take the curves too fast. Just feel every emotion God gives you. You never know, what feels badly today may bring you much appreciation later.

Now, I think I’ll play some Charlie Daniels in my aunt’s honor. Then, maybe I’ll play some Hinsons.  Ya’ll be good, ya hear?

Ya’ll, let’s say we kick some CANCER butt?? Whadda ya say??

Til next time  . . . peace

AJ



{July 8, 2011}   Swingin’ By

I am not a very emotional person. By emotional, I mean the “lovey-dovey, strawberries and cream” kind of emotion, although I do have my moments. Yet, sometimes I am faced with words I must put to paper. Almost as if the words are slapping me saying “I will win, so you might as well get up and write this story so you can get some sleep.” Yea, sounds like tons of fun, doesn’t it?

So here goes. I literately dreamed this poem. Although, in the dream it was a song, I was surrounded by cowboys that looked like Brett Michaels and Vince Neil . . . (yes,Marina. . . I know, the hair), all on horseback, doing a reality TV show about “real cowboys”. Seriously. And let me tell you, if you think having a song stuck in your head is bad, try having a song that doesn’t exist stuck in your head. Now that, my friends, is a pain in the ass.                                  

Now that I have left you with the image of Motley Crue’s lead singer on horseback, did I mention the cowboy hats? OH, and “Cowboy Troy” was there as well . . . the only black cowboy I know. Here is the result of my mind’s never ending imagination. It doesn’t always make sense, but at least there are hot guys, huh?

 

                                                         A friend comes when called.

                                                 A better friend calls to see how you are.

                                       But the greatest of friends, aww . . the greatest of friends

                                                       Swing by – just in case.

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Thank you all for swingin’ by.

Until Next Time . . . PEACE

AJ



{June 20, 2011}   My Dog Is The Best Dog Ever

Hi all! Welcome.

As the title of this blog states, my dog, Ryoki, is the best and greatest dog EVER! Actually, she’s more of my dad’s dog. But I claim her as mine now.

And I’m going to tell you why. I think you’ll agree she is really something special.

Ryoki

The other night, I was going through some of my boxes. I moved into an add-on at my parents home last year to try to get back on my feet and get some other things in order. The longer I stay here, the more I think about what’s in those boxes and how tired I am of the items. So, every now and then, I’ll go through them and give some things away. I just gave all my plates to my niece. I picked out some pots for her and some silver wear for my mom along with just taking some
of my baking items out for use. By the way mom, the baking items are still mine
. . . but you can use. I love to bake.

 Anyway, I was taking some things inside the house. As usual, I had overloaded my arms and had no possible way to open the screen door. My mom’s screen door handle is broken, so it doesn’t “catch”. This is great for Ryoki because when she has to go out, she pushes the screen door ever so slightly and goes out. She hasn’t mastered knocking the door hard enough for it to bounce open wide enough so she can stick her head in to get back in . . . but she does knock when she wants back in.

Now, in the past, I have mentioned how she is the “favored sister”. And in truth, she really is. But I don’t mind, especially after what she did the other night.

There I stood outside the door, my arms so full I couldn’t even use my elbow to nudge the screen door open, saying “Someone please get the door”. I was nice at first. After all, there were five
people in the house; my three kids, their dad and both my parents, just feet away from the door. No one came to my assistance. However, I did see Ryoki standing inside the door. Again, and a little louder, I said “Can someone get the door???” Apparently, they were too busy to be bothered. Again, I see pretty little Miss Ryoki standing by the screen door. But wait, she was coming my way. Gently, she edged the door open and backed up. Dang dog. Was she teasing me? She already poops right outside my door (my door leads directly outside; she doesn’t poop in the
house). Great. Now, she’s found a new way to diss me. Which, I let her know I didn’t appreciate.

She then pushed the screen door open a little farther. Holy cow, I thought. Was she trying to open the door for me? I didn’t catch the open part quickly enough with my shoulder. So, testing the waters, I said “One more time Ryoki, I couldn’t get that one.” All the while five people were standing in the dining room; only a few feet into the house.

And, I’ll be damned. Ryoki not only opens the door, she opens it a bit wider and holds it until I catch it with my shoulder! I couldn’t believe it! I figured she was going to come outside and
that was her ultimate reason for opening the door. Yet as I nudged the screen door open, and took the one step up that led me into the house, she backs up, looks up at me wagging her tail and I swear people, she was smiling! She knew exactly what she was doing! Very impressive Ryoki!

I went around to every person in the house and bragged on her, considering they were content to ignore my pleas for someone to open the door, I felt I was justified.

As I relayed the story to my mom asked me “did she go on outside?” I proudly informed her, “No, she simply opened the door for me. Once she saw I had the door and was coming in, she backed up for me.”

How freakin’ genius is my dog?! And I thought she didn’t even like me, considering you know, the pooping outside my door and all. I think I can truly say she is my sister now with pride . . . after all, she still is a dog.

Until
next time . . .

  A.J.



et cetera